PPP201: This is a Crucial Time to Talk About Listening | Dorothy Yan

13Jul 2020 by Shelly Davis

When I heard Dorothy Yan present her session about three levels of listening at the 2019 TMTA Convention, I knew we needed to bring her on the show!

Now, a year later, our need to listen and learn from others is greater than ever. I am delighted for you to hear everything Dorothy has to share on this episode!

Listen to the full episode here

Tell us your piano story.

Dorothy currently teaches at the Musical Arts Center in San Antonio, Texas as well as the University of Texas at San Antonio but her musical journey started when she was eight years old.

Dorothy’s wise parents told her they would support her choice to study piano but the decision had to be hers. If she made the decision to study piano, Dorothy would have to commit to continue her studies until she graduated high school.

If she decided to quit piano, Dorothy’s parents told her it would be her responsibility to inform her teacher that she was quitting and why. The idea of having such a hard conversation with her piano teacher was enough of a deterrent! Dorothy decided she would rather practice and stick with piano than have to tell her teacher she was quitting. Smart parents!

When Dorothy’s students make the decision to quit, she assures them by saying, “You’re not quitting piano if you’ve tried your very best and you have had some success. You’re just choosing not to do it anymore.” Quitting is when you decide piano is too hard and you just don’t want to.

Three Levels of Listening

Internal listening – listening to thoughts in your own head. As people are talking, you are planning your response and only listening for a pause from the other person so you can jump in with your comments. Your thoughts are louder than their words.

With Internal Listening, there is no way to listen to understand the other person because you are only listening to your own thoughts.

External processors will often speak their thoughts out loud. Mature listeners, and especially parents, need to give external processors time to develop their whole thought process and wait for the conclusion of their thoughts. If we jump in too soon, the speaker will feel attacked and we will not understand the direction the conversation was going.

Piano kid says, “I want to quit piano.”
Internal listener parent says, “What?! After all I’ve invested in your lessons?!”

This reaction and internal listening stops the conversation cold and puts the speaker and the listener at odds with each other. No solution is found.

Focused Listening – listen to the actual content of what people are saying. Track with them though for thought.

Piano kid says, “I want to quit piano.”
Focused listener parent says, “Tell me more.”
Piano kid say, “I can’t figure out how to play this piece.”
Focused listener parent says, “Show me where you’re having the most trouble. What did your piano teacher suggest?”

This reaction takes the initial statement at face value and gives the speaker the benefit of the doubt. A focused listening parent helps their piano kid work through the frustration.

Global Listening – listen to learn; more about the situation or subject and more about the speaker.

Piano kid says, “I want to quit piano.”
Global listening parent chooses not to react to the statement but recognizes the underlying issue that their child is frustrated. They listen beyond the words.

Global listeners don’t simply react, they respond.

Try to filter that gut reaction that instinctively rises to the top so that you can respond in a way that attends to your child’s needs, not your own. Global listening makes the person who is talking the subject and not just the topic.

When people communicate, they need to presume and expect that the other person has their best interests at heart. Teachers may be the expert in teaching piano but they need to recognize that the parent is the expert in their own child. When parents and teachers work together, the child is the winner.

The Bricklayer Story

The bricklayer story reminds us to create a bigger vision. When we are speaking to our children, consider more than the current conversation. We can react harshly to a statement in the heat of the moment. We can listen with more focus and create a lasting memory. We can listen to understand and recognize that this conversation is one more brick in the building of our child’s character.

Connect with our guest

Thank you for an awesome interview, Dorothy!

Connect with Dorothy Yan through the Musical Arts Center website.

Dorothy Yan quotes

Throughout our interview, Dorothy was able to boil a point down to a very concise knowledge nugget. She made short statements that are easy to remember but contain a deep well of insight. Here are some of my favorites.

- - “Speak to people the way you want them to become.”
  - “You may be stuck in a moment but really it’s making a memory, and maybe the building of character.”
  - “We don’t want to make empty promises and we don’t want to give fake compliments.”
  - “There is a big difference between empowering someone and putting pressure on them.”

For further listening

PPP002: The Parent – Teacher Relationship

PPP110: Ten Ways to Genuinely Compliment Your Piano Kid

PPP197: A Broken Arm Doesn’t have to Mean a Break in Piano Lessons

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