I’ve said more than once on this show that parents are the most important people in the world to their children. As they grow into the teen years, it may feel like you are their least favorite person and that hurts. It’s a natural part of the growing process but it still hurts.
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As your child ages and gets into the teen years, they need to start being a little more independent. The road to independence can be a very bumpy one that can lead to a lot of arguments if you continue to parent your teen like you did when they were younger. (PPP194 Trent Dilfer talks about four stages of parenting.)
My goal for today’s show is to help you keep the upper hand if you find yourself in an argument with your teen. When I say “win arguments” or “keep the upper hand” what I really hope is that you can turn potential arguments into conversations.
The best way to win an argument is to avoid it!
The more you can relate to your child, the less likely you will argue with them, or they will argue with you. Relating helps build mutual trust and understanding. Lack of trust and understanding can lead to arguments.
If your piano kid is still very young, build a relationship with them that will carry you through to their teenage years and beyond. Find ways to relate to your child about anything and everything, not just the thing you are trying to get them to do at the moment.
If your piano kid is already approaching the pre-teen and teenage years and you haven’t built a strong relationship, it’s not too late to begin. I love this quote by CS Lewis,
“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
Find something your teen is interested in and see if they will include you in it. They will keep lots of things to themselves, and they should, so, the thing you both share may seem trivial and small but consider it a stepping stone to the next thing that might be more personal. Could you read the same book? Play a game together? Cheer for the same sports team? Binge a show on Netflix? Tracy and I have been watching “Say Yes to the Dress” which is not an earth-shattering show but it’s opened up lots of great conversations about relationships between mothers and daughters and making decisions and fashion and humor.
Share something you are interested in with your teen. Just like your teen, you may want to start with something that is not too personal to you. You don’t want to open yourself up to unkind words and criticism if that is the current mood of your teen. Maybe you could take them driving or do some yard work together or ask for their help decluttering your clothes closet and letting you know what the latest fashion trends are. Remember, it’s not really about the activity, the activity is just an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your child.
Science tells us our brains work 30% more effectively when we're in a good mood.
I’m embarrassed to tell you how many times the car ride to school was spent with me barking orders and complaints to my kids. It’s a wonder they learned anything at school with the mood I put them in. One day I caught myself and stopped. I apologized to my kids and told them I would work on having a better attitude by the time they got home. Without missing a beat, Austin said, “Try having a better attitude by the time YOU get home.” He knew my day would be better if my mood and attitude were better. Needless to say, I cried all the way home; ashamed of my own actions and humbled by my son’s kind words.
Give your child a genuine smile when you speak to them and watch their brain switch into a more positive mood. Let them hear joy in your voice when you speak to them.
When you see your piano kid wake up in the morning, try to avoid having a complaint or an order be the first thing out of your mouth. A simple, “Good morning! Did you sleep well?” can go a long way in building a strong bond.
Yelling and having a bad attitude yourself is certain to trigger an equal reaction in your teen, or any other person you are trying to communicate with. We know this when it comes to dealing with co-workers and bosses but it seems harder to apply this same principle when relating with our own family.
Communicate with your piano kid using the mirror method
Chris Voss, former FBI negotiator and author of the book, “Never Split the Difference” teaches a mirroring method that is different than what you might have heard before. Most mirroring methods are more about copying the person’s tone and body language, which can feel insincere and manipulative. If you look up mirroring on YouTube, you will find a lot of smarmy, salesy videos where people are trying to teach you how to sway a potential client. You know when someone is doing that to you and you can see right through it. Your teen will see right through it, too.
Voss’s recommendation for mirroring is to repeat the last few words, or the one to three keywords, your teen or counterpart says. He calls it a Jedi Mind Trick. (In this video, Chris talks about mirroring.) The goal is to let them know they have been heard and to invite them to expand on that thought. Mirroring gives you more time to think and check your own emotions. Mirroring gives you so much insight into what your teen is thinking and how solid they are (or aren’t) in their position.
In order to mirror, you must genuinely listen to your teen. Usually, that’s all they want in the first place; to know their parents hear them and are eager to know them and understand them.
Be quick about offering genuine praise and appreciation
You are the conductor of your home. You set the temperature and the climate.
It is so easy to find things to criticize or ‘make better’. You’ve likely heard the story about a math teacher writing multiplication tables on the board. She wrote 9×1=9, 9×2=18, and so on until she got to 9×10=89. The class laughed and pointed out the mistake. Of course, THAT was the lesson; that people are so quick to find fault and criticize the error. We don’t praise and appreciate things that are correct and go well and meet our expectations.
At a very young age, children are taught to compare and contrast. That is an important skill – to be able to discern and notice similarities and differences. It’s so easy to lean into the contrast side of things. That’s what they will receive out in the world but you can make your home a much more welcoming place to be.
Be on the lookout for times when your teen makes a smart decision or contributes to the household. “Hey, I appreciate you helping your little sister get a cereal bowl down from the cabinet.” “I like that color combination between your shirt and shorts.” “Thanks for making time to practice piano. I’m sorry I forgot to remind you.”
As much as you enjoy being appreciated for the work you do, your teen feels the same. As they gain more independence and spread their wings, they will develop relationships with friends at school and people outside your realm of influence.
Raise the standard of what a relationship should look like and feel like by building rock-solid relationships at home.
Resources mentioned in today's show
Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
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