Listen to the full episode here
Definitions
Manipulation –
handle or control (a tool, mechanism, etc.), typically in a skillful manner.
control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously.
Causing the child to believe that he or she will only be loved by complying with the parent’s wishes
Causing the child to feel excessive guilt for failing to live up to the parent’s expectations/demands
What does this look like with piano lessons or practice?
Shouting at your child to practice or punishing them for not practicing
Coaxing them to practice with false praise or excessive “If you loved me you would play that song for me.” “If you practice you can buy…. Or eat…”
Comparing your child to others in a way that makes them feel less about themselves.
Inspiration –
fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.
to breathe in. (encourage, motivate, brainstorm)
Helping a child find ownership in completing a task
Teaching a child to learn to be self motivated, even the task does not seem enjoyable.
What does this look like with piano lessons or practice?
Reminding them when it is time to practice. Keeping calm if they don’t respond right away.
Genuine praise for the music they are making.
Thank your child – for practicing, for obeying you….the first time.
As consumers, we know when we're being played
We know when we’re being manipulated. We’ve seen infomercials with wild claims about their product. We may have even been compelled to “Act Now!” because “Time is running out!” My defenses kick into gear when I feel like I’m being played. Even if we buy their product, are we loyal customers to that company?
Excerpt from the Start with Why blog Read the full article here
Manipulation vs. Inspiration
“There are only two ways to get people to act: manipulate them or inspire them. Both are effective strategies, but only one is capable of generating a sale AND a lifetime of loyalty.
Manipulations (dropping your price, having a promotion, using a scare tactic) can be very effective, but the gains are usually short term. Over time, manipulations tend to get expensive – marketers must keep coming up with bigger and better manipulations sometimes at the expense of profits and always at the sacrifice of developing loyal relationships with customers.”
I’m going to reread that last paragraph from a piano parenting perspective:
Manipulations (unnecessary bribes or treats, punishment or other scare tactics) can be very effective for getting your piano kid to practice, but the gains are usually short term. Over time, manipulations tend to get expensive – parents must keep coming up with bigger and better prizes, higher stakes punishment – which sacrifice the development of trusting relationships with their children.
Give your children options (Ownership in the process)
Give your piano kid options, either of which are within your expected outcome.
When my oldest son was a toddler I would ask him which shirt he wanted to wear out of the two I pre-selected. (He had no option about wear a shirt but he could choose which one he wore.)
Last night when we got home late, I asked Tracy if she wanted to take the garbage can to the road then or in the morning. (There wasn’t an option not to take the can to the road but she had the choice of when it happened. She chose this morning….go figure.)
In piano lessons I will ask my students which piece they would like to play first. They have ownership in the direction the lesson will go.
I am not a fan of the “I’m going to count to three” parenting tactic. I believe that rather than getting our child to take action and obey, it actually reinforces their desire to ignore us and try to negotiate with us.
This article from Positive Parenting Solutions supports my opinion. The author also makes a good point that we parents can actually contribute to our children’s misbehavior. Ugh!
My friend, Dawn Ivers (PPP061 and PPP080), shares this story:
Anytime I went to the dentist as a kid and had no cavities, my mom and I would go out for ice cream afterwards. Even now as an adult, if I have no cavities, I reward myself with a stop for a coffee, or sometimes I still do ice cream. To this day, I have not had a single cavity – part of that may be genetics, but still. The point is inspiration and motivation are great when they’re implemented in a way that helps us learn healthy self-motivation.
Conclusion
Manipulation puts two parties at odds against each other. Parents demand authority. Children rebel against that authority. There is a winner and a loser, actually, I believe both parties lose.
Inspiration puts both parties on the same team. They work together for a common goal. Parents offer respect. Children respond in kind. I believe this scenario allows both parties to win.
In my interview with Tracy Selle next week, sheshares some wonderful things her piano parents do to inspire their children to practice. I hope you will tune in!
Ready made inspiration!
A major component of piano lessons is home practice. The single biggest struggle parents face is keeping a regular practice schedule on the days between lessons.
In my studio I offer practice challenges to help inspire my students to practice. They are fun way to raise the standards and increase motivation and an easy way for parents to get their kids to the piano.
It’s so much easier to say, “You need to practice so you can collect your points for the practice challenge” and to try to get your kid to practice because it’s Tuesday.
September Practice Challenge
This is what we’re doing in my studio in September:
We are going to “Fall into Music”
We are aiming to practice 20 days in the month of September. The amount of time and specific goals will vary for each student; each student and I decide on their practice goals.
The point is to get to the piano.
I have a chart in my studio that will track everyone’s progress. Without calling too much attention to it, students are interested to see how they measure up to the other kids in the studio. If they are behind one of their friends, they are motivated to step up their practicing game at home.
When students reach milestones in the challenge, I will post their picture on my studio wall with fall themed photo props and when students complete the whole challenge we will take a fun picture with the “Fall into Music” Trophy prop. Some parents share their piano kids’ picture on social media which helps promote my studio.
Doesn’t that sound like fun!?
If you’re not in my studio, you can still get in on the challenge and all the fun! You can check out all the details and pre order your own home kit – including all the details, your own practice chart, and photo props for social sharing at pianoparentpodcast.com/fallintomusic.
(Hey, teachers! You can order the studio kit and host the Fall Into Music Practice Challenge with your students! Check out all the details at pianoparentpodcast.com/fallintomusic.)
Let the practicing games begin!
Fall Into Music Practice Challenge Starts September 1st
(Click the picture to go to the preorder page.)
